Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My life is pants optional.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
