So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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