i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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