i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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