I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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