woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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