Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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