Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
