and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
