There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
