I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
