I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
