Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
