i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
