yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
