names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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