my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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