my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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