Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
God, I missed his penis.
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