i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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