That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
