I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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