What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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