There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
