I showed him my bush... on skype.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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