You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
