I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
