Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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