So drunk, too bad you don't want this
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
