I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
