I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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