theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Two words: blizzard sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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