I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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