I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
