made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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