anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
