After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to sanitize my soul.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
