enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
