guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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