***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
