my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
