i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
