Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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