Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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