Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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