remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
