Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
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