he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
