please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
