On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
